NOT YOUR AVERAGE GRANDMOTHER

by SWY

My friend’s grandmother is Granny Cath Wildbean. She’s 72 years old. She’s totally weird, cool, wild and simply fantastic. I like her but she’s not your average grandmother.

When she came to visit last month, she had dyed her hair purple. But now she has topped that! When she showed up yesterday, she wore a hat made of leaves and twigs (she made it herself!).

She wore two rings on each of her fingers, stuck chewing gum on the top of her eyebrows, painted her cheeks pink (so that she didn’t need to use her blusher).

She tied a handkerchief around her eye, dyed her hair gold, blue, green, silver, pink and purple. She tied her colorful wavy hair into two thick pigtails.

She wore droopy clothes and three scarves around her neck. She also sewed on lots of beads.

When it was lunch time, Granny Wildbean offered to cook. She opened a tin and I peeped into the little hole. Guess what? It was smelly, black and almost everyone hated it. It was cockroaches. I screamed my head off. Was she going to cook that? Yep, that’s what she did!

Granny Wildbean poured the tin of cockroaches into the frying pan.

Sizzle! Sizzle!

Next, she poured some chopped onions, potatoes, chilli sauce, spaghetti and minced lamb livers into the pan.

“Let’s wait for a while!” Granny Wildbean said in her sweet voice. “For dessert, how ‘bout worm ice-cream? Yes, yes, that would be lovely!”

I was so shocked that I couldn’t say anything.

So my friend, my sister and I had the most horrible lunch in our lives.

In the evening, she took us out for a ride. She showed us her car. It was gold and had a big chair on top of it, and a small bicycle rack on the bonnet.

Inside the car, she made the arm rests out of cardboard wrapped with cloth. The head rests were broken so she stuck on hard pillows.

She took us to her house and showed us her miniature zoo. Her tigers were pink and brown with shiny metallic nail polish.

Her monkeys wore dresses and scarves just like her. There were tearing at the dresses and biting the scarves. Granny Wildbean showed us the rest of her zoo, then we went home.

“I’ve gotta go for a Wildbean meeting,” she waved.

Thank goodness!

I promised myself that I wouldn’t ever go out or eat her food again. Luckily I don’t have a grandmother like that.